How to achieve success? Unreasonable success and how to achieve it ?
What Is Happiness and Why Is It Important?
What Is Happiness and Why Is It Important?
It is momentary- like a child who breaks one toy and then wants another toy, and then yet another. What are we looking for? If we are looking for happiness, shouldn't it be permanent?
- By itself, happiness should be a permanent and lasting emotion. when it comes naturally to us , we won't be dependent on anything outside, But the moment we make happiness dependent on something, it becomes a fleeting emotion.
Simply put , if you look for happiness outside of you , you are dependent on a situation to be favorable. Happiness now becomes conditional and fleeting. If I am happy only when the weather is pleasant, my feeling good is dependent on the weather. I will not allow myself to feel nice if it gets hotter or colder.
How can one be happy without desires and dependencies?
-That's probably one of the oldest belief systems we have allowed ourselves to live by- the belief that happiness is to be acquired from the outside, whether it's from achievements or from people or from what we are. The equation has been 'I am doing this so that will feel happy'. So the dependency is on the act being performed in the right manner. This belief is ingrained right from childhood. Parents feel good when the child gets good marks, when the child performs well, when the child dresses up well, and so on.
slowly a child is conditioned to believe that he is responsible for his parents' happiness. If they are happy, he can be happy too, and not otherwise.
Can you share the meaning of happiness and explain how to experience it without any dependency?
-First and foremost, let's see the factors we have made it dependent on. The simplest dependency that we experience on a daily is on objects. We say 'I'll feel happy when I buy a new car; I'll feel happy when I buy new property ; I am happy when I go shopping.'
Is there truth in this ? Are these dependences actually making us happy?
I certainly will be happy if I buy a new car.
Of course, you will, but is it the car that is giving you the happiness you are looking for?
I will be happy when I have a new car.. which means, if I don't, then there's a question mark on my happiness. This also means that 10 days down the line, if the car gets a scratch or a bump, my happiness is again going to get affected, because I have conditioned myself into believing that it is the car that is giving me happiness. now that is not true. you uy a new car - the most expensive car in the world. I feel comfortable sitting in the car. so who is experiencing the comfort? it's the body. Plush seats, the best music system and a powerful AC. There is flawless physical comfort . I feel comfortable sitting in the car and tell myself that I am feeling good. Suppose at that moment I get a phone call giving me news of an unpleasant situation at home. Will I still be happy?
No, I cannot be. But I am still in the most comfortable car. Here we need to understand that the car was designed to give me physical comfort and it will continue to give me physical comfort, irrespective of my situations.
Credit: BK SHIVANI
The reason there is so little happiness in the world
Feel Those Feelings And Develop Emotional Intelligence
Now, during my initial training and learning, I was quite unsure about myself in many ways! Yes, even me, some may say that I have gone rather extremely the other direction now! I tried lots of the things I learned with self-hypnosis and different aspects of the standard NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) approaches to overcome this uncertainty and lack of confidence in my ability to do what I wanted to do, but none of them seemed to work for me. I still got the butterflies in my tummy and lacked a real sense of confidence, in fact I felt nervous about doing what I wanted to do (what if it all went wrong and I failed!!). I had spent some time fighting the anxious feeling, then one day I said to myself “Adam, just experience it, stop resisting it, stop fighting it; just feel it” and an amazing thing happened. I felt the nervous feeling, then it disappeared! I was shocked. All those previous months and years of fighting it, and all that I really needed to do was to feel it. I acknowledged it and stopped resisting.
Doing this is to heighten your own awareness of your own map of the world.
One of the presuppositions of NLP is ‘meet people at their map of the world’. This is a process of seeing things from their point of view or being aware of their experience and is a far deeper discussion for another time. Now, I was fine at doing this with other people and my successful therapeutic consultancy is over the years has been solid proof to me of that, but before all that started, all those years ago, I suddenly realized that I had not been meeting myself at my map of the world. Whenever I felt feelings that I did not like, I would struggle, resist and fight them, and you know what they say: When you fight with yourself, someone always loses, and that someone is you. So I decided to stop fighting and resisting my feelings and instead to acknowledge them and start working with them.
Where am I going with all this then? If there is a feeling that you find unpleasant or that seems unhelpful or that you just plain don’t like, firstly, map out the feeling. This is just a process of identifying where in your body that feeling is, really locate that feeling in your body. Now think about what size it is, how it moves; I used to have a fluttering feeling in the pit of my tummy that as I resisted it more would spread into my chest and back down again. Really be aware of the feeling physiologically, even think about what temperature it is, you can even take it a step further and think about what color it would be if it had one etc.
While most people profess to know what they are feeling, you would be amazed at how many people have not got in the slightest bit acquainted with the physical characteristics of the emotions they are experiencing, they just let them happen passively without really getting an awareness of them. Emotions are physical (they are chemicals and all sorts of other things too), so the first step is to map out that physicality.
Next up, accept the feeling. Become OK with the fact that you are feeling it. For more on how to accept things in your life, again, dig out the article from a previous edition of “Adam Up” that was all about that, it is there in the archive on my website.
Of course, this can be a bit of a struggle for some people, who will no doubt say “But I don’t want to feel it” or “I shouldn’t be feeling it.” I know some of you are thinking that.
So here is the thing: you are feeling it, and if you want to change the feelings quickly, the most expedient way to do it is to meet yourself at your map of the world and accept that presenting feeling that you are having. If you refuse to do this, then you are just resisting it or fighting it as I was doing back then. Then any attempt to change it will involve starting from where you aren’t, and that rarely works out well (as our tipsy man looking for his keys on the wrong street can attest to.)
Then, you find the positive intent. What is your body or your unconscious trying to tell you? Sometimes feelings have a message of some sort for us. Other times, they’re just sensations that our body has some purpose for feeling. What (if anything) is this feeling doing for you or trying to tell you?
Then; feel it. Just feel it. Be sure not to struggle or fight, just feel it. Remember to breathe too

You don’t have to do this for long, but it is really good to feel something. Even if it feels bad, the fact that you can feel it means that you are alive (woo-hoo!) and it also means that you are in touch with how you feel. These are both good things to be able to acknowledge and realise within yourself. Often, just accepting and realizing a feeling is putting it in a vast different perspective.
The final part of this process is to then play with the feeling.
Increase the feeling’s intensity. The reduce it. If it was one color, make it another, if it was moving in a certain direction, move it in another, if it was a certain size, enlarge it or make it smaller, basically, have a play with it and discover just how much influence you have over this feeling. I think you will be surprised when you realize just how much influence you really do have.
One of the things you’ll begin to find as you start to experience is just how much it’s possible for you to get a handle on your feelings. You may well discover for yourself that feelings aren’t true or false. They don’t really mean anything. They are just sensations that you are experiencing in your body. If you resist them, they’ll be there for some time, but if you accept them, you can start to play with them and change them. Does this mean you’ll not have a bad feeling ever again? No. Feelings will come and feelings will go, but what it does mean is that you can start to have more and more of the sorts of feelings you want to have. I know that whatever you are wanting to do in life, you’ll be wanting to punctuate your life with more and more good feelings, am I right?
So, enjoy your day today and make sure that you are spreading some good feelings into your life.
THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED IN HAPPINESS AND TAGGED BODY, FEEL, FEELING, FEELINGS, FIGHTING, MAP, PEOPLE. BOOKMARK THE PERMALINK.
For me the two most important things in life are health and happiness.
I am sure there will be many people who read this article and will think I am rather mad. Quite frankly I do not care. In this article I write about what in my humble opinion are the most importants things in life, health and happiness.
All that most of my friends talk about is money:
What car do you drive?
How much is your house worth?
How much do you earn?
How much did your suit cost?
Where are you going on holiday this year?
I find all of this very boring and think that they are rather sad. They seem to be in some sort of competition and they are basically obsessed about money.
I will give you an example of one such friend, his name is John. He never seems to talk about anything else and is always looking into get rich quick schemes. He is also in a lottery syndicate, of which there are about fifty members. Each member pays around ten pounds in per week. John likes to go out socialising on a Saturday night, however soon gets itchy feet at the time of the lottery draw. A few minutes later he will go to the toilet where he will then phone his girlfriend. He takes with him to the toilet a piece of paper with his numbers on and a little pen. After his girlfriend has told him which numbers were drawn, John will then then spend around twenty minutes checking his numbers, and then re-checking to see if he has any winning lines.
Eventually he returns to the group who seem very keen (apart from me) to find out how much he has won/lost. To date he has only won small amounts, however is convinced that one day he will become a millionaire. He will then start talking about the lottery, asking other people what they would buy if they were lucky enough to ever win. At this point I become very bored and start to wish I had stayed at home and watched the football.
For me the two most important things in life are health and happiness. These are two things which money can not buy. A few years ago, my dad was taken ill. He was in a real bad way and had to spend around five months in hospital. Him being ill was a huge shock to me as he was only fifty-seven. I feared the worst, even though I was trying my hardest to think and stay positive. I remember thinking, if I gave those doctors everything I own in the world, it still would not help him. I felt powerless and at that moment realised that money is only paper.
Happiness is the same, I remember at the age of twenty-one having lots of money and had been surprised that I was depressed at the same time. At other times I have had next to no money and have been extremely happy.
THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED IN HAPPINESS AND TAGGED HAPPINESS, JOHN, LOTTERY, MONEY, NUMBERS, PAPER, TOILET. BOOKMARK THE PERMALINK
Acceptance
I was first thinking , when exactly does one start to yearn for acceptance?
Is it when we are born?
Is it when we first feel the pain of non-acceptance?
Is it when we begin to be challenged in sports?
Is it when we fall into the ever talked about `peer pressure`?
Is it when we fall in love?
Is it when we start a new job?
Is it when we become a new member of a family?
Is it when we move to a new city or country?
Is it when we write our very first book?
I believe it is all of the above, when people feel the need to be accepted, they will do leaps and bounds to succeed in this quest.
Athletes and body builders will take drugs to win..winning=acceptance.
When we fall in love , our entire being wants to feel accepted by our mate.
Authors will spend hours and hours to write the exact words to please their readers and go to great lengths to publish their creation.
Becoming a new member of a family whether it be through marriage or adoption will create a need to be nurtured as one who genuinely belongs.
Starting a new job is a definite acceptance need, we need to fit in so we can relax and apply ourselves 100% to our job.
Moving to a new country or city or even just a new neighbourhood, is very challenging for us and to be accepted and fit in, is a very important step in our settling in.
Lets not forget` Peer Pressure` , that’s a tough one, children just getting started in high school suffer the most with this one, hormones are swinging and their emotions are so sensitive. The fears that they have struggle with for the year before is all up front and they have a whole lot of reality to deal with. To fit in and be accepted by their peers is more than half the battle.
The pain of non acceptance for the first time cuts like a knife. It wounds us for life, creating a scar that we grow with forever.
All these worries , needs and desires are in all of us that live and breathe. Some of us feel the hunger for acceptance less than others. Some of us cannot live with out acceptance , we become obsessed in our thinking, trying anything we can to fit in.
Do you read the words “self esteem” in anything I have written here today. Yup and it is in every sentence. The need for acceptance somehow effects our self-esteem which in turns affects our emotional stability where jealousy , worry and anxiety seed from.. If you know the feeling of non-acceptance or low self-esteem, then you know how controlled you are by the worry that follows them and how much of your life is imprisoned by that other mind.
Low self-esteem and non-acceptance are exactly that, `another mind` and one can actually feel them at war . It reminds me of the good devil and bad devil scenario. Trust me here it is no fun for the person that is imprisoned by it, not only do they have to balance the two minds, but they also have the guilt that they feel when they see what the result of the battle in their heads is doing to the people around them. The constant questions that one faces as in my blog FEELINGS!!!! are an added pain to the already lonely tortured person.
So if anyone out there knows a person that suffers from non-acceptance or low self-esteem, HUGG them and please try to have more patience and understand that they are not having a picnic and that if just saying , “stop it” or “just don`t think about it” could stop it, they would in a heart beat. We all need support and acceptance to get us through our lows. Kicking someone when they are down, never ever helps them to get up.
I am doing what I can through my web site and my blog to help educate people and help them understand what low self-esteem is all about and how very intense and serious it is. If any of you ever have any questions, please contact me or leave me a comment and I will do my best to answer it.
Dorothy Lafrinere
Owner/Operator
Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com
Weblog- http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy
email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com
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